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Men. What is wrong with them and how can they be fixed?
Philosophers and scientists have asked this for generations, but the problem has only become understandable—and tractable—with the advent of modern technology. They are lonely. Contrary to the popular aphorism, all men are islands, struggling to exist in tempest-tossed seas. I have tried to solve this before, at least for Franklin, Trevor, and Michael, by introducing Pokémon to Los Santos. This did not work, and only resulted in me beating Charmander to death in the street.
The gentlemen of GTA require human companionship, not magical pets. They must find in others what is missing in themselves. They must use the 2gether mod for GTA 5, which allows you to approach random NPCs and adorn yourself with them like they are some kind of boa or backpack. This is what friendship is all about.
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The good news is: the people of Los Santos are remarkably pliable. No one objects to hopping on your back, or assuming the lotus position in your cupped hands, and they are utterly unfazed by the chaos unleashed by all the mods I have previously installed: flying cars, ongoing gang warfare, and so on.
To test their quietude, I asked a hiker to nestle himself in my hands as I attempted to sprint through an intersection. He was utterly placid as we were struck by three cars in a row, his murmured ‘om mani padmi hum’* unbroken as an expensive German car used our combined mass as a ramp by which it could enter heaven.
It was a true friendship, but it had to end eventually. Satisfied by his invincible tranquillity, I returned him to the nature spot in which I found him. Setting him down, he wandered off into a bush. In the distance, a Winnebago caught the sun as it drifted into the sky.
*He didn’t actually say this, but I like to imagine he did.
